If only I could turn back time (Lol. Sounds like a song to me), then I could be free again… free from those grieves and worries. Its nice to look back at those old memories… memories I had in my HS life. Nothing compares the fun and excitement it brought me…nothing! All I did was to play and play. I got stumbled but still, I stood up. College? Still fun. but not as fun as HS. Youll truly miss it. I*ll have to muster all those happy thoughts again just to bring back the happiness within me.

Lol. A dramatic intro, huh? Nah!!! To tell you the *honest truth*, I wish to be with my old friends again. Well, my best friend told me she has this cyst in her breast that has to undergo a surgery. Also, she has this disorder in her *ovary thingy*, Im not too certain for that (whatta stupid nursing student, huh?) but i know shes not in good condition right now. I think all I could offer is prayer coz I cannot see her that often since we*re both busy with the nursing stuff. But i*ll see to it that she*ll be included in my prayers.

Woke up at 5:45am, took a bath and put on my uniform. Went to school at 7:10 am...had an enrichment class, thats it! Nothing so unusual happened today except that ummm I watched a movie, the Memoirs of Geisha. I got home at about 5pm. I went online at 6:30pm. Afterwards, Yvette told me to make our research paper... well, part of it. And I dunno how and where to start? Waahhh. Sigh.

It was only two days and two nights but it seems like theyve been away for like a week. I really missed my mom, dad and of course, my little sis. I miss the noise at home whenever Im studying, the nagger mom, and the ever hilarious lil sis. They often annoy me at home but i realized that i could somehow miss them pala. haha. Today, they arrived at about 1am leaving me awake. (since i have been studying for our anatomy exam). They brought a lot of pasalubong and some yadda yadda stuffs. haha. tiL here... i have to go to church! ciao!

To my dear friend, Ylyssa Valdevieso:

Just wanna clarify things up. Im not addicted to him, ANYMORE. I tried to unhooked myself from him and thats for sure. I also tried to prevent myself from posting blog entries about him. (and yet I still am posting just for YOU). I thought of it as an absurdity to think of him like theres no life without him. I know Ive been so stupid crushing on him like theres no other guy out there who could be much more appreciated than him. And I know it was so wrong to think of him as a guy who is too ideal even thought he s NOT. He claims to be a SHIT so let him be. He s now a shit for me. And besides, Im striving to become a more insensitive individual with regards to *GUY* stuffs. Im really into my studies right now. So please, don’t call me an ADDICT. And don't tell him everything about this. But If you already did, please bawiin mo… Please! Lol. Ewan ui!!!

Ladidum ladidadah… just goofing around trying to post an entry for the entire week I had. Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!

Thursday, February16, Day 1 (Karilyo)

I woke up at 4 am and took a bath and dressed up for church. My top was my blouse (brokenshire) and the bottom was a green skirt (no choice but to look awfully ridiculous). But who cares? I go to church to worship God and not because of anything else. (particularly a fashion icon or a “kikay” thingy… duh??? I am definitely not!!!). So back to where I was, I did this because we d spending our spare time dubbing and making the pathetic props needed in our *karilyo*. The venue? Well, of course, the Sarmiento residence? Yeah, you heard it right. It sucks. I have to feed them… all 11 of them. Funny coz most of them have never been to Buhangin since theyre all from faraway places (Isulan, Marvel, Digos, Banga)so we took 3 taxis and we were like a convoy and all the yadda yaddah stuffs. We didn’t finished recording and making the props so we called it a day.

Friday, February 17, Day 2 (Karilyo)

Two of my group mates said that we should recreate the props again coz its too big compared to the others and the dubbing didn’t turned out well. They also suggested to buy a recorder since they don’t like the echoing sound of the microphone. Right then, abstract thoughts were wondering on my mind like I wanna hit their heads on the wall. I don’t understand why they keep on whining making the impossible a possible one. Fuck! They really thought we could make it that easy, huh??? As if they contributed a LOT in the process. As if they were the ones who really exerted a lot of effort on it. When in fact, they were just texting and operating the sound system. That really annoyed me a lot!

So, when we got at our house, we still continued making the props. But I was surprised when they told me that they really bought a RECORDER (as if we were informed!!!). Fuck again. Me, along with my other group mates thought of not paying the two dickheads. Besides, it didn’t work well. It was broken!!! Haha. Still, they have no choice but to use the microphones and our sound system. Theyre apparently stupid. My gosh! We finished everything around 10pm, I guess. We were so exhausted and so call it a break.

Saturday, February 18, Day 3 (Karilyo).

We decided to meet at school at 1 pm, so we did. It was raining and when I eventually got there, they weren’t ready. I really thought, they would initiate to bring a cassette player or any white cloth but they didn’t. Duh? Who is supposed to do all these? Isn’t these a *GROUP* activity? Then why don’t I sense any occurrence of unity? So, I did my part, along with my friends, Sheyna and Mayeth, we borrowed a cassette player at the canteen. We used our so-called *kamandag* to the kusineros and they let us borrow it. They asked a condition from us just to pay them back for their good deed… and it was a phone number from any among us. But we were too clever to fall for it. Lol.

Monday, February 20, Day 4 (Karilyo)

Now this is what I call too much stupidity to spend so much time on a minor subject! Why do we have to fight for this group presentation which is only equivalent to our Prefinal Exam grade? Wahas! We had a slight conflict regarding that RECORDER thingy coz it was really useless but they want us to contribute for it. Duh? We didn’t ask you to buy it. It was your idea not ours. And now you re telling me and Mhaya that we don’t care about our presentation??? Let me quote what she said “ Wala man gud mo pakialam sa atong group!!!”… Bullshit! Walang pakialam??? Where did we make the props and the recording? Who provided your snacks? Who provided the microphone? Who were the ones who helped in making the props? Who was the dubber? US… Is that what you call “walang pakialam” ? Shut Up!!! Me, Mhaya, Mayeth and Sheyna were kinda busting out our anger that day. So we decided to backstab them up. Lolz. Around 7:00 pm, we practiced at Winston’s boarding house. Thanks Wins! I really am grateful for him to let us rehearse there despite the smallness in space. Then, he was really humbling himself and I really find him great for that. I really like people who humble themselves. Haha. Anyways, we finished everything at 8:30pm and I got home at around 9:00pm.

Still had time to study for the exams.

Busy. Busy. Busy.

Wednesday, February 23, Wednesday ( Anatomy Preparation)

Got home from school at 4:30 pm. Started studying for Anatomy Exam tomorrow. Prior to that, i cooked *cream of wheat* and munched. Afterwards, i began studying. But then my tummy still wasnt satisfied with it so i boiled an egg and munched for the second time. Then, i went back to study again. Later, ate Ephine brought Lechon Manok so i decided to eat again. Then, i went back to studying. The coverage for the exam was only 3 chapters. Sounds easy huh? But it took me hours to finish everything. Actually not Everything!!! i started 4:30pm and ended like 1am and still wasnt finish. So i decided to sleep. The funny thing was, i was still memorizing the neuronal pathway even if i was asleep. Thats how great it is to be cramming on the eve of the exam. So mom and dad arrived from Cagayan at 1:30 am so i woke up again. at 2am, my little sister was still ecstatic after the travel she had. She wanted to watch Barbie and the Nutcracker so i let her watched. Afterwards, i went to bed, finally. i realized that im not sleepy anymore but i still wanted to sleep. When i went to sleep, it was like only seconds, when i woke up... damn! Its 5 am already?? whatta!!! Time is running so fast.

Thursday, February 23, Anatomy Exam Day (This is it!)

Everyone in class were having those bulgy eyes and were really feeling so giddy. If it wasnt for anatomy, it was for playing DOTA. Geez. My guy friends were really losing hope with their Anatomy so they spent their entire night playing that DOTA stuff. The rest spend their time studying. Fortunately, i got a passing grade in our lecture exam but i failed in our Lab exam. haha. I have never passed a lab exam. As in! its way too hard to pass it nor getting a perfect score on it. Anatomy in Brokenshire is really a challenging one. Thats for sure. Our professor is from Siliman kaya. Other sections got a Doctor prof, etc. haha. Tapos yung classmate ko nung high school, sabi nya nakakuha raw xa ng PERFECT SCORE sa Lab exam. As in??? Sa bagay, UM yun eh. I am proud to say that we are one of the 2 schools in Mindanao which is LEVEL 3 accredited by PACUCOA. Ung isa is SPC. Pero, we are still better than them. Besides, theyre only good at Theory stuff and we re good at nursing skills. Tapos Top natcher sa Board exam is from Brokenshire. Regardless kung Regular Program or Special Program, mas mataas ang nakuhang average ng Brokenshire kesa Ateneo. haha. heller!!!

Yun Lang. Kapoya ui.

A profound entry that might get you puzzled for a second or two.

Those are of useless thoughts and motions. Nothing really worked according to my plan and frustrations are again filling me in and hopes are spilling out. Everything just kept on coming back...everything. I must be misfortunate when it comes to those stuffs. Perhaps, life could be much easier if i didnt met the voice from my past. My life living with it was overwhelmed with astonishment and fantasies. It was an outlandish and eccentric dream but led me to an endless nightmare out of the blue. Things which i used to know once upon a dream was entirely filled with my unconscious memory. I tried to hold on with those precious memories but it fell! It fell to a hand that had a much tighter grip than mine. It never did let go... Never! And my heart, tried to have it back but it was useless.

to be or not to be...that is the question. Lolz. wala lang. Char char lang yan ui. Anyways, Unti-unti nang lumalabas ang katotohanang hindi talaga kami para sa isat isa. Tomorrow, mag-uusap kami again. Bukas, mag-uusap kami. Aalamin ko ang mga bagay bagay. Haay naku, no use daw xa maging LOVER. kainis maxado xa ba. Kung kelan maraming babaeng nagmamahal sa kanya, jan pa naging Useless? ka weird nya ui. Mahal nya man kaya si shimei, then why not make any move? Torpe? My gosh... hindi halata. Yung taong yun, torpe? I don't think so. Ako gusto ko xa pero okay lang kung ligawan niya c shimei reyes. Okay lang talaga. Kaya lang, a ng di ko maintindihan, eh bakit gina claim nya na mabuting kaibigan lang xa at hindi bagay maging LOVER. whya don't he give himself a chance? its nice to fall in love and i think he desrves one. He deserves Shimei. Oo nga pala, schoolmate ko lang pala si shimei sa KTMSCES. Wala akong kilalang Shimei. Hindi rin naman kase ako friendly noon. Kung grade 6 ako nun at grade 5 c popoy, then shimei must be grade 4. Whoa? ang bata pa la. haay kainis! bat hindi ko yan kilala uii. FL rin kaya? Im sure matalino rin yun at mabait. Bat kaya ayaw pag usapan ni popoy c shimei? but infairness, biglang interested xa ha kahit pilit niyang gina deny na ayaw nyang ipa mention ang name. If i know, kinikilig yun. Kakalungkot isipin ba. Baka pala hindi ako yung crush ni popoy. Baka pala c shimei ung dinala nya sa Pisay na may kasama ring Bading and October din. Whatta coincidence. Malay mo diba. how tragic! Kung ganun man, isang napakamalaking pagkakamaling maging parte ng buhay ni popoy. Hindi ito dapat!!! Hindi tama ginagawa ko. Feeling ko tuloy, sinisira ko lang ang Lovelife ni popoy. Feeling ko, kontrabida maxado ako. haay... tama na kase gwen. Kawawa ka na maxado.hindi lang naman xa ang Matalino, religious, gentleman, talented, at gwapong lalaking dadaan sayo. Madami pa ah! Bukas, hihingi ako ng sign. Titingnan ko sa conversation namin kung may pag-asa ako o wala. haha. Kalog jud ka gwen. Weird!!!

Just a follow-up to my last entry. I think i have to get over him (as if there was something between the 2 of us, noh?). I must stop thinking of him since everything isnt right. I think Im crossing the line. I shouldnt love someone like him who is over qualifed for me, who is too formal, too diligent, too serious, too righteous and too whatever else. And of course, our spirituality, its so complicated! Everything is just so FORBIDDEN. I cannot love someone who doesnt fit me entirely. THough we re two different people, haay, i still like him. ewan. Even if he s not rich, not handsome, nerdy pa jud, paloy pa jud, i liked him sooo much na para akong tanga. para na akong Stalker. See? Im a self-confessed stalker!

No formal updates lately. Those are of entries which do not really make sense. I wish to spend more time with my PC but its kinda blurry and needs to be replaced with a new one. How much does a brand new monitor costs? or a brand new Computer Set, rather? I wish i have my own notebook computer or a cellphone. LoLz. I think i really need one. I guess im just sick of all the school errands. I need my therapy... my computer therapy, its my way of relaxing rather than meditating or whatsoever.

Oh, i almost forgot, today is a Valentines Day, and everybody's got a date. Wish i had one too. Oh well, its okay as long as i have my family with me ad of course my GOD. Anyways, my update is about hmmm... guess what? or guess who, rather? Janry, again! The endless blabbing of gwen, kaloka!

Ummm...wait, i'll watch GKNB first...(12:12pm)

Im back!

Yesterday, February 13, 2006, cabee and I chatted... The conversation we had was not as sweet as it was. Or shall I say, it wasnt sweet at all!!! It was as bitter as a bitter oblivion. I did not like him last night. It was as if i dont know him anymore. He has changed a lot and he doesnt sound like the happy janry i knew. He was not in the mood yesterday that all he blabbed about was their *almost imperfect prom*. He spilled out all his grim thoughts to me which really made me upset as well. I dont want to hear him dripping all those sadness with me coz he s causing me too much sorrow. I know he was just being candid with his feelings and he still managed to chat with me and made me smile despite his busyness. He knows i was disappointed with him last night coz he left me empty.

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:27:24 PM): gwen.. ...im kinda too tired na... sorry to leave u empty...

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:27:27 PM): nid to goo...

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:27:35 PM): i think im gona rest... for few hours

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:27:37 PM): den back to work

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:27:52 PM): ok lang yun ui

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:27:59 PM): thanks for chatting..and ur presence.... xnxa na.. this week maybe my badtrip week

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:28:17 PM): ok

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:28:32 PM): God Bless

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:28:38 PM): bye

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:29:43 PM): bye gwen

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:29:46 PM): nyt nyt. . . .

MY STATUS was " still a NOBODY "

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:30:09 PM): change ur STATUS... before u log out..it doesnt fit Y.O.U

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:30:26 PM): wag na

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:30:33 PM): it fits me....

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:31:55 PM): the girl hu told u that it FITS you..is NOT Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F...

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:33:08 PM): then who the heck is she if she's not me?

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:33:55 PM): one things for sure: NEWG OTNEIMRAS... ur RetroPerSonaliTy...

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:34:09 PM): God Bless... f8 it..

Afterwards, we still had a few conversations after we uttered our goodbyes.

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:47:25 PM): gwen..got to go

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:47:27 PM): nyt nyt

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:47:33 PM): God bless

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:47:36 PM): bye

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:47:44 PM): so tired

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:47:49 PM): byye

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:47:50 PM): ok sleep ka na

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:47:57 PM): bye

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:48:02 PM): gud nyt

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:49:52 PM): xoxo

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:50:45 PM): bye

gwyneth (2/13/2006 8:50:54 PM): xoxo

``cabee (2/13/2006 8:51:14 PM): aishteru amigos

These posted conversations were merely just a part of our nonsense tête-à-tête. And he stresses the phrase "aishteru amigos". Yah right, we are just FRIENDS, dont rub it in puhleez!!! it hurts a lot!!! Ouch!!!

It's been 4 months since i last talked to him personally... NOT!!! That was about 7 hours ago and.... i chanced to hold his hand too. Whoa i can't believe i finally got to talk to him. He brought his mask with him and boy it was great. It really looked like a phantom mask. We chatted for like 20 minutes and off he goes with a red Pajero heading for Pisay. Prior to that, i hesitated to come near him cause he might not recognize me. But as soon as I headed for him, he smiled and draw his hand to mine. I was closer to like err but thank God I managed to talk with modesty. haha. He asked me if how am i doing... how was my studies... why ive turned from chubby to thin and perhaps i have a _____..am i still chatting at YM... told me that he s sorry for not replying on my text messages (greetings lang gud) coz his mom got his phone... he was not chatting lately coz their PC was broken... tomorrow will be their prom and he s going to give his partner a blue rose... three weeks from now will be their final exam.. asked me if how it feels like in college (poor him).. told me that he might be going to MTS tomoroow night for the LOVAPALOOZA... i started teasing him but he said he doesnt have any partner... he just wanna watch..(sana ako nalang yung partner..hehe).. I asked him to post his pictures (prom) in Friendster but he doesnt want to coz some freshies from Pisay have been stalking him..haha... And he knows that me and ylyssa have been chatting... I forgot what else he said basta madami xang ginapang yawyaw but i did not really paid attention to him...haha.. basta masaya akong kahit papano nagkikita pa rin kami... mejo bulol nga lang ako kanina.. medyo napasama ang dating ko sa kanya kase sabi ko kapag college ka na, seryoso na, unlike sa HS na pwdeng mag cutting classes.. sabi nya "uy!"..haha..bahala xa.. totoo bitaw.. haay... matangkad nga xa.. and its a good news..hahaha.. di nga ako maka tingin ng diretcho sa kanya eh.. kakahiya.. as in.. imagine nag aminan na kami sa chat na we both like each other tapos nang magkita parang wala lang.. parang dedma.. that's cool!!! ayus yan ah.. kaya lang nahihiya ako kase mejo malandi at madaldal ako sa chat tapos ang demure ko in person... sana i could get some pics of him sa prom nila.. pano ba? haay.. hindi talaga xa gwapo ba!! payat man ui.. pero gusto ko yung height nya.. tama lang.. mga 5 inches ung tangkad nya sa kin.. ang sarap ng feeling ng nakakatabi mo yung mahal mo.. yung mga elbows nyo bumabangga..hehe.. kababaw jud nimo gwen ui.. basta enjoy..

I saw him again! LoLz. too much happiness for a shallow reason, huh? he is a nobody for some but he s beyond my ideal someone. ha! wow again. This is what i hate about falling in love. am beginning to sound cheesy! I hate it. It s really unhealthy for me. And besides, i get a low grade whenever i like someone. peculiar! I need to be more diligent with my studies. I need to fill in those substandard grades.

Im here at Net Express making the most out of the an hour break. My class will be starting at about 30 minutes from now but still im fucking surfing the internet. Im kinda hungry and havent taken my lunch yet. But i did took a snack recently..ummm that was 4 hours ago. BTW, It s a Science enrichment class but i dont feel like going coz its really a fucking crap. Its a waste of time. Id rather be in this cafe` and spend my boredom all day than listening to the teacher who doesnt really make sense at all. Im really fond of updating my blog and friendster accounts and blabbing away all my experiences...

BTW, a lot had happened to me the past few days but i didn't get to post em all. Most entries are of lazy writings as sometimes Im regrettably too busy or too exhausted or too moody or too whatever else to write that perfect shit of entry.


Tuesday started out so right coz i unexpectedly saw him in a quiet and uncrowded place in Buhangin early in the morning. He looks entirely neat and cute with his uniform. He was reading a book on the sidewalk while waiting for something {or someone? }... I took a glance at him and wished he was sitting next to me. Wala akong magawa eh!...


Sa Filipino Class, we had a drama and i played the role of a daughter. It was really really funny for portrating that role coz everyone thinks i was a **crazy woman*. Ha! I had fun with it. I love acting! {a bit, rather than reporting}.


After nung presentation namin, nag perform ung guy classmate ko whom they d always tease to me {even though i don't like him}. As in mejo nabadtrip ako nang bigla. Its not because i was over reacting but ...alam mo yun, yung you dont know how to react tapos they were staring at you na parang ikaw yung may gusto kahit hindi naman. Yung kahit anong sabi mo ng NO, still they d tease you na para kang sirang plaka na paulit ulit nalang. Sinasabi nilang nagseselos ako na kahit hindi naman. I am not jealous okay and that is the truth noh. Ang kulit nila. Kaya nung SOC namin, ummm... mejo nadulas ako sa galit. Mejo napalakas ko ung boses ko. Sabi ko I dont like the person and why they kept on teasing me with him. Tapos nasa likod niya lang ako. I kinda felt guilty kahit papano. Pero im not that hypocrite to tell everyone that im okay. Im just being candid of what i feel. Basta ayun. Frankly speaking, tactless talaga akong tao. Okay lang man pag i-tease nila ako bah, wag lang sobra. Nung time na yun, i was totally fed up. Kaya that happened.


My day was ruined by that. And it did not end there. We had no room for our Major. We kept on transferring and our CI was really not in the mood and kept on scolding us. Tanga pala xa eh. Kasalanan ba namin yun? aber? Tapos pinagalitan niya kami ni Mhaya kase sige kami tawa. Eh gaga pala xa eh, kami nalang parati napapansin. Palibhasa insecure sa beauty namin. Lol. Tanga talaga! Ako nalang parati napapansin. Ako lang ba ang taong masama inside the classroom??? ****. Parang naga menopause na xa. Corny pa jud mag joke! OA pa jud. As in! i really dont like her.

Today, Wednesday... Im glad with my Anatomy Midterm Grade kase sa lahat ng subjects, parang yun lang ang tumaas... 1 point lang pa jud. from 81 to 82. Oist malaki na yun ah. Mahirap makakuha ng ganun sa Anatomy. Malaki na nga ang 85.


I didnt get to see him kanina but I have a plan. This Friday... LoLz. I really am obssess huh? I guess so? who cares? Im living my life the way i wanted it to be so fuck the hell off. Oopz. Sorry for those foul words.


Anyways, Im totally fed up by this woman who d always end up saying things about me. Well actually, she is our C.I. and i dont really find her as a good one. I just wanna skip classes in her subject but one thing has kept me remaining... the thought na its a major subject??? Yah. Patience. Patience. Patience is all i need to survive this one and a lot of guts and determination. This time, my grades are dominantly flunking. Thats for sure. My goal is to get at least 85% on my major sub. and